This day last week...

DAY 8-

This day last week was the day that I said goodbye to my husband for 6 months. It was sad seeing his back going in the door as I was taking a picture of him, and then suddenly he was gone. I have the last hugs and kisses with the kids and him, and then him and I to cherish for the next few months. I wish I could freeze time, and then when he returns, have him return to that day when he left us. That way he is not missing any of our lives here. But I can't and so the kids and I have to go on living each day, one day at a time.

Today was no exception, I had been putting of going to the PX and the Commissary for two days. I did not want to take all three kids with me. I knew that they wouldn't behave. Typically, I would be able to leave them with Josh when he was home, and this would be my mommy time away. Today was the first time we went back to Fort Carson since last Thursday when Josh left. And then later the same day to go to the PX. The kids were good while we were at the PX. But once we went to the commissary to do our food shopping, my oh my, I really just waned to scream and cry all at the same time by the end. They would not listen, I was so embarrassed. And to top it off, I took one step away from the cart, trying to grab some chicken as fast as possible, I turn back and I hear boom, and a splash. My lovely youngest son dropped over a glass bottled drink, and it broke everywhere. I just wanted to hide, and pretend that these are not my kids, I just happen to be standing here. This one old lady was like you better go tell someone that it dropped, I admit I was a little rude to her, because she was being rude to me, and I about had enough at this time. I was like I can't exactly leave my 3 kids here alone, with this mess. It's not like I purposely took it and threw it down lady. (I didn't say that last part). She could have been nice and said I will go get someone, but no she didn't. This other nice lady did. It didn't help that when we went home we were stuck by a never ending train yet again, just like we were last week going home from just dropping Josh off for his deployment. Yet again, I just wanted to hurry and be home.

I really don't know if I like staying home with kids that like to fight, backtalk, whine, etc., or deal with the same thing in public. It really is a catch 22. I can't go on being stuck at home all the time, but then I dread taking the children out in public. I was not meant to be a single mom. It is hard. I know there are people who are divorced, or others that are just single parents. It is not for me, and it really takes a lot out of me emotionally. I'm always ready for the kids to be in be at 8. It is especially hard when you are married, and you or your spouse did not chose to be separated from each other. The military chose it for you. Getting married at 18, before the war officially started, I really don't think we knew, or at least I didn't know what it would be to be an Army wife, and have my husband away from us so much. It really stinks. I really truly miss my husband.

Johnathan did do something cute last night though. After I got him dressed for bed, he gave me a kiss. Then he gave me a serious look, he looked like his daddy when he did that, and then after a few moments said, "I'm the baby mommy". He is my baby because he is my youngest, and will always be my baby.

I just truly wish that the kids understood that mommy is really trying to do her best here, and that even though daddy is not here, they don't need to not behave. I really hope the days start getting easier, and I hope the children really start listening, because they are not making this deployment any easier on any of us.

Taking each day, one day at a time....

DAY 3- I just wanted to start off with,
HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY JOHNATHAN!!!!

3 years ago today we were in the middle of a deployment, and Josh had came home on his leave for the birth of our son, one week into his leave, and one week before he had to return to Iraq, our baby boy was born. And yet were here again with him deployed.
The adjustment period with out Josh sucks!!!! Yesterday was a hard day being the first full day with out him, and a combination of him being gone, me being sick, and the snow when it should be sunny out! It was great seeing Elizabeth get her awards, but after that just being home, bummed me out. (Like I said above probably a combination of all those, not depression, because I'm better today). I took an hour nap on the couch,with Johnathan lying on my back, and then him lying beside me stealing my blanket. That nap really didn't help me any, I have this miserable cold, or whatever it might be, I have junk in my lungs if that is what you want to call it. I think I'm finally feeling a little better today, and I think, or at least hope that my voice is getting better. I wasn't feeling like standing out in the cold weather being sick, so I even drove to the bus stop, and back home. I know lazy, oh well. After the kids came home from school, we cleaned the house up some, ate dinner. And then Michael has been bugging me about a Pajama Party. Well, for them they watched a movie in their Pajamas. I started the movie early, at 5:30 p.m, so by the time it finished I would still be able to get them in bed by 8, and I could have my time. I worked on my college work while they watched the movie. They picked out the movie Cars, because they haven't see in in awhile. After that it was bed time. We did our family Prayer and Prayed for the safety of Josh, and the other soldiers, and to let Josh know how much we love and miss him. Then Michael added in during his time to Prayer, "To keep my dad safe from all the bad guys." It is sad, no child should have to Pray for that. Michael also drew a picture for his daddy when we get the address, he drew a scene with a bunch of Army people fighting. He wrote on the good guys head good, and the bad guys head bad. It has a helicopter, tanks and other Army Vehicles in it.
After putting them to bed it was finally mommy time. Except when I closed the bedrooms doors and looked down on the couch where Josh usually would be sitting, my heart just ached. I enjoyed our spending time together every night at I miss it. Apparently to our dog, I don't get my mommy time downstairs since Josh isn't here. For the last two nights when I try and watch my show I put on the DVR, Luke, want's to freak out like someone is breaking in. Thanks to the wind, and the flag shaking outside. I looked both time and everything was okay. I'm really not that scared, but cautios in this neighbohood. Still, it creeped me out enough, and to get him upstaris where he was not hearing it that easily, we went upstairs. Tonight I'm staying down here no matter what, he will not ruin my time tonight.
Today we were going to go to this Easter thing on Fort, but because of all the snow on the ground I changed my mind. Were going to ChuckE Cheese in a little bit. Were just going to try and enjoy the day as much as we can since it is Johnathans 3rd Birthday. Unfortanetly time doesn't freeze while Josh is gone. As much as it stinks that he can't enjoy these moments with us, I have to continue on, and make the most of these moments for the children. I hope they see how hard mommy tries to make their moments as fun as possible without their daddy when then they get older. They are missing daddy, Michael is still saying I wish daddy didn't have to go, I miss him. And Elizabeth is still asking when daddy will be home. I tell her daddy is going to be gone for a few months, she doesn't understand that, she asked "Will daddy be home tomorrow?". I tell her no it's going to be longer then that. Josh is right in our hearts as we continue on through out our days with out him. We miss him a lot.