I wanted to Hold on to him and Never Let Him Go.....

DAY 1- First off, I just wanted to wish my husband a HAPPY 27TH BIRTHDAY. He finally caught up to me in age, I'm 3 and a half months older then him lol.
Well, last night I didn't want to go to bed knowing what the morning would bring. I didn't even want to put the kids to bed last night, knowing that was step closer to morning. Before the kids were put to bed, I had Josh say our Family Prayer, sitting down as a family in the boys room. After the kids got in bed, and I was tucking them in I couldn't help but tear up. I didn't want the morning to come. Josh saw me and asked me if everything was okay. I said it was, he said "It doesn't look like it to me". I really wasn't okay. I never wanted this day to happen. I couldn't fall asleep last night. I just kept on touching Josh's arm, or back.
2 years 8 months ago, when Josh arrived home from his 3rd deployment, I was hoping and Praying we wouldn't have to go through this again, another deployment. We said our goodbyes to Josh for a 4th time at 10:00 this morning. I just really wanted to hold him and not let him go. My heart is broken, I told him he better take care of my heart when he is in Iraq because he is taking it with him, right in his pocket. He probably thought I was crazy, but I really do feel like that. In the car on the way to Fort we were talking. He told me I'm going to be okay, I was like I know but It's more then that. He said, your going to be okay. But I told him it was even more then that. It's the fact that I have to be seperated from my husband yet again. He told me that he would be home for our Anniversary which is September 29th (it will be 9 years) but I told him that just seems so far away, especially since I have to get through spring break, and then summer. In that it will feel like years. Now all I can do right now is take each day at a time. I'm going to miss the little things like hugging him, putting my foot on him when we sleep to know he is there, and our time after the kids go to bed to watch t.v. I don't think that Elizabeth realized that daddy was leaving because she was ready to go to school, Michael didn't want to go to school, but I know they need the extra support besides me. Michael was crying, it was so sad, he is old enough now to realize daddy wont be home tonight, or any night for that matter the next 6 months. He kept on saying, "I don't want daddy to go", Johnathan didn't realize Josh was leaving either. So his reaction these next few days will be interesting. Leaving Fort Carson to come home to make the kids lunches and write their notes seemed like it took FOREVER to get off Fort. Then off Fort we got stuck by a long train. I just wanted to be home, and I wanted the never ending train to away. Now that I'm in tears, I'm going to end this for now with, We miss you already Josh, just be safe, it is not a goodbye, just a Farewell, until September.....

Quit playing games with my heart-

When is get's closer and closer to the "D" word, dates are always changing. We went from one day, knowing that since our family found out about the "D" word the day Josh checked into Fort Carson, 2 months ago. To then the begining of the week moving up a day, and then yesterday moving back two days. It is awesome news that now we have two extra days to spend with Josh. But then, you can't count on that either. As much as a deployment changes. We will just have to continue cherishing every day with him as it is his last one before he deploys. At this rate it is scary to think that he will go to work one day, and then they tell him that he is deploying the next. He is not even home for the night and the date could have even change. I just wish it would quit playing games with my heart. I like to have an idea of the day he is leaving, that way you can prepare for the "D" word. This is the point where I just start to put a little bit of a block on my emotion's so that I don't take it as a huge shock that they then move the "D" word up three days. I will definately be appreciative of the extra couple days, not only spending time with him. It also gives him more days to pick out what he wants to have for dinner. The foods that he likes since he will be eating not so great meals the next few months. Now it's time to let the count down mode begin again. Hopefully the date doesn't change to where he is leaving sooner, again. All it does is play games with my heart not knowing is this the official day he is leaving?