Having Faith in the Military Lifestyle....

DAY 11- Each day that I go with out my husband get's harder and harder, were at day 4 now, of not being able to talk. They always say, no news is good news. And I do know he is in a safer place as of now. It is just the fact of not being able to hear the voice of the one you love, and the one that your use to saying goodbye to at the door in the morning, and then greeting when he comes home at night. I really hope he is able to call us soon.

The kids and I were able to go to Church Service today. We have only missed 3 Sundays since last February. That was when we moved, and then when my parents came to visit. That is of course two different Churches in two completely different States. I always enjoy going and hearing the message, and the Pastor is great. I thought I would miss our old Pastor the way he gave the message, but thankfully we found a new Pastor to give the message in just as great of a way. The kids also like to be in their rooms and learn the message of the day that way.

After Church we drove by Johnathans school that he is suppose to be starting tomorrow. We will see. The other two hadn't yet seen where Johnathan is going to school. I don't think Josh got to see the school yet either. But the first time he saw Michael and Elizabeths school was when we went to Michaels concert three weeks ago, and the kids had been attending that school since December. When we got home we ate lunch, and then they played outside for a half hour.

Something that I wanted to talk about today was a question that was asked by another lady on FaceBook. It got me thinking, what it is like having Faith in the Military Lifestyle. It is actually really hard, when it comes to having my husband deployed. But I know that everything will be okay no matter where we move, we will be together as a family. We will have each other, no matter if we are away from extened family. I also continue my Faith when Josh is deployed. I have to have Faith that he will return home to us safely, and that when he returns home he will still love me. It makes it hard when a Spouse is Deployed, and both spouses become totally different people. We have experienced that over the prior 3 deployements. But, our love continues to grow strong. I remember on Josh's second deployment, it was a minor change, but a change I didn't expect. When he came home on his leave he wanted to go out and buy wranglers, he had changed the way he dressed, I was just shocked. The spouse who is deployed also get's use to not having to be around the spouse and children. The wife that is home has been use to dealing with everything at home, from bills, to cleaning, to parenting on her own. And when her husband returns, they have to meet in the middle. The wife should no longer have to do everything by herself, and the husband should help out. It is also having Faith that this will happen and it will be a smooth transition home. We still have quite a while until we have to make this transition, that I have to have Faith that when it does happen, it will happen just as smoothly as it has happened in the prior 3 deployments.

I'm just sitting here wondering what my husband is having to do today. And how he is feeling being stuck in the "land of sand". I know it is hard here taking care of the three children by myself, and doing everything else alone. But, I'm wondering how he is dealing being in such a place that he is. It couldn't be good, having to work all the time, or atleast being on call. And not being around us, his family. Or he might even like the break, who knows, only he does. I do know that he is probably not thinking about us as much as I'm thinking about him. I know he is busy, and doesn't have the time to worry about us at home. I'm the only one that can take care of things that are happening here, so, if anything does happen I need not worry him because he can't do anything, and has more major things to worry about there. I'll just continue sitting here (not really sitting, just waiting for his call, and gettting things done around here), waiting for his call, anxiously awaiting to here his voice again.

This day last week...

DAY 8-

This day last week was the day that I said goodbye to my husband for 6 months. It was sad seeing his back going in the door as I was taking a picture of him, and then suddenly he was gone. I have the last hugs and kisses with the kids and him, and then him and I to cherish for the next few months. I wish I could freeze time, and then when he returns, have him return to that day when he left us. That way he is not missing any of our lives here. But I can't and so the kids and I have to go on living each day, one day at a time.

Today was no exception, I had been putting of going to the PX and the Commissary for two days. I did not want to take all three kids with me. I knew that they wouldn't behave. Typically, I would be able to leave them with Josh when he was home, and this would be my mommy time away. Today was the first time we went back to Fort Carson since last Thursday when Josh left. And then later the same day to go to the PX. The kids were good while we were at the PX. But once we went to the commissary to do our food shopping, my oh my, I really just waned to scream and cry all at the same time by the end. They would not listen, I was so embarrassed. And to top it off, I took one step away from the cart, trying to grab some chicken as fast as possible, I turn back and I hear boom, and a splash. My lovely youngest son dropped over a glass bottled drink, and it broke everywhere. I just wanted to hide, and pretend that these are not my kids, I just happen to be standing here. This one old lady was like you better go tell someone that it dropped, I admit I was a little rude to her, because she was being rude to me, and I about had enough at this time. I was like I can't exactly leave my 3 kids here alone, with this mess. It's not like I purposely took it and threw it down lady. (I didn't say that last part). She could have been nice and said I will go get someone, but no she didn't. This other nice lady did. It didn't help that when we went home we were stuck by a never ending train yet again, just like we were last week going home from just dropping Josh off for his deployment. Yet again, I just wanted to hurry and be home.

I really don't know if I like staying home with kids that like to fight, backtalk, whine, etc., or deal with the same thing in public. It really is a catch 22. I can't go on being stuck at home all the time, but then I dread taking the children out in public. I was not meant to be a single mom. It is hard. I know there are people who are divorced, or others that are just single parents. It is not for me, and it really takes a lot out of me emotionally. I'm always ready for the kids to be in be at 8. It is especially hard when you are married, and you or your spouse did not chose to be separated from each other. The military chose it for you. Getting married at 18, before the war officially started, I really don't think we knew, or at least I didn't know what it would be to be an Army wife, and have my husband away from us so much. It really stinks. I really truly miss my husband.

Johnathan did do something cute last night though. After I got him dressed for bed, he gave me a kiss. Then he gave me a serious look, he looked like his daddy when he did that, and then after a few moments said, "I'm the baby mommy". He is my baby because he is my youngest, and will always be my baby.

I just truly wish that the kids understood that mommy is really trying to do her best here, and that even though daddy is not here, they don't need to not behave. I really hope the days start getting easier, and I hope the children really start listening, because they are not making this deployment any easier on any of us.